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From a poison to a life-giving substance, my sexuality had only two possible manifestations: sin and service. No matter how good I was, I never stopped being a feminist. I beat up the boys on our block and later I debated them over lunch and challenged them in the weight room. A hot flash of anger went through me the day the youth pastor reminded the girls not to wear bikinis to the pool party because it would tempt the boys. The pastor talked a lot about the evils of porn.

In college, I would learn this was called the Madonna-whore complex. My parents screened all our media for sexual content. I learned early that even violence is more acceptable than sex. In school, the health teacher taught abstinence and we were quizzed on the symptoms of various STDs. Going to college with my high-school boyfriend protected me from the bacchanalian freedom of the dorms.

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I acted, wrote for the paper, joined a feminist club, preformed in The Vagina Monologues every year, and took in all the theories. In every creative writing class, professors gently pointed out how every single one of my stories had oppressive male characters preventing the creative and sexual freedom of female characters. I stopped wearing make-up and irritated my mom by talking excessively about my amazing transgender professor.

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I married my high school sweetheart and best friend on the weekend of our graduation. I blamed much of my disconnect between body and mind on my years of illness and repressive religious experiences. The first time I encountered the idea that sex was good for me was in a bookstore.

I hid in the section of pink and red books with explicit covers, nervously flipping through pages and looking over my shoulder. I never visited this section in my hometown. I waited until I was alone and in some other city. The book, written by doctors, talked about how good sex was for the body. I was shocked. I knew sex was good for your marriage and that touch had a positive psychological effect but I had never thought of sex as a health practice.

If you are going to blame anyone for what happened next, blame bookstores and the public library. My brother had recently come out by introducing us to his boyfriend and then acknowledging that he worked as a go-go dancer in addition to his day job as a trainer.

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No one was surprised. My uncle is also gay feel free to speculate wildly about the gay gene; most people do. I told myself I was being open-minded and supportive. In addition to flipping through Bust and Ms.

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He told me to be sure before I told anyone else. A rainbow cupcake?

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As my mom pointed out, everyone assumed my brother was gay since he was three. I, apparently, was irrevocably straight.

And almost everyone advised that I keep quiet about it until the whole thing blew over. No one wanted me to do permanent damage. After leaping out of one social construct, I did extensive research about how to fit into a new one. As I began to date and go to clubs, I acted as if I were trying to write the official field guide to gay culture. I fell back on the comfort of being a good student. And, not surprisingly, I got stuck.

I was desperate for community. Needy and lonely, I depended on the girls I dated to validate all my emotions. I ended up not being able to walk away from relationships that were painful and dysfunctional. In the middle of the night, Ms. Lee, who was back in Rhode Island cat-sitting for her mother, got a call. Jason and his best friend had been out in a canoe in Maine. He got hypothermia and he fell asleep. I was full of fear in many ways because the vulnerability of life was huge. So I had phobias for a while.

I still am afraid of flying.

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Lee learned more about the myth of the Nokk, a mystical water spirit that takes on the form of a horse, and they turned it into a beautiful, eerie image in the movie. I first interviewed Ms. Lee in for a New York Times Magazine article on the dearth of female directors. Many of the women I interviewed were sad, angry and bitter about the way they were treated and the work they lost out on. But Ms. Lee was an anomaly, happy and positive about her future. When I wrote that article, the statistics were outrageous. Women represented a measly 1.

Female directors represent only 4 percent of those on top films , buoyed by Ms. There is heightened awareness of the issue now, however, thanks to MeToo and TimesUp.

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Lee says about the actress who became an activist, urging studios to practice gender equity in their films. And they were mocking her because they were threatened by her. It challenges the storytelling, makes the days richer. She says Disney now has two new female directors in the animation studio.

Talent knows no gender. It knows no race. When we talked four years ago, Ms. Lee praised Mr. Lasseter, who was then the animation boss, and talked about the importance of men supporting women as well as women supporting women. He sent us all texts congratulating us. He has not asked anything of any of us. Men too. How should women navigate in the workplace when a man is a valuable mentor but is also doing things some women find inappropriate? But there in and of itself is the dialogue we should be having. In January, there was a backlash when Mr. Lasseter got the top job at Skydance Animation.

I wondered if she thought he should have that job. If you check Ms. In recent years, Mr. He had said that he had looked after her for years at home but that eventually, she needed more specialized care.

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Lee calls Mr. And so I feel lucky. Just as a fairy tale might end, the couple shares a house in the mountains outside of Burbank. Jennifer Lee: Deny. You are so afraid of flying that before you take off you have a drink, talk in the voice that you use with your cat, and ask everyone around you to shield you with protective white light. When there is a scene with choreography in your films, you dance it out for the animators. When you were stressed out last summer, you would watch a live cam of a baby albatross growing up in New Zealand. You hate falling asleep.

Disney sneaks subliminal messages into its movies. You actually hate cold weather and the winter.